you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
