i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
