Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
