im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
how drunk are you?
Several
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
