the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
high people should be assigned attendants
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
