he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
