tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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