I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
