im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
