I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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