Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
pray to the hookup gods
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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