if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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