My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
