Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
