The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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