dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
