I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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