I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
