i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
