I need to stop coming to work sober
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
