Please, let me fuck your mom
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Too much gin, very little bucket
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
