Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
