it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
