My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
