Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
