just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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