I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
