loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
