so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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