We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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