the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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