I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
