I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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