It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
