I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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