i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
