Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
