I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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