She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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