2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
