we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
