I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
