Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
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