God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
