I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
