like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
