I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
