my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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