I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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