I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
