Whod you bang
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
