i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
